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A Triggered Mom Who Says Sorry

podcast table time May 26, 2021

A TRIGGERED MOM WHO SAYS SORRY

This is not going to be an easy episode for me to record because I don’t have all the answers but as a mom I do have the experience of parenting and testing out things I learn about. I’m doing this episode because I think it’s an important topic to have awareness and conversation around.The topic is showing our emotions in front of our kids and not being afraid to let them see we are not perfect but also saying I’m sorry.
 
Sunday night I lost my shit. But before I tell you about that, I need you to know something about me. I’m routine. I like knowing what to expect and when to expect it and I believe (and this is my opinion) that kids thrive better when they know what to expect and when to expect it. So I’m the parent of routine in my household. It’s been like that since we brought Nyla home. From feedings to naps to bedtime - I’m always consistent. 
 
My husband on the other hand … he is not. He may not be routine but I believe that has allowed him to be more relaxed where I tend to be more uptight when things aren’t going the way I want them to.
 
Now that I’ve given you the dynamics of my household, I’m the boss at bedtime. I am the parent who initiates the process of baths and bedtime (brushing teeth, going to the bathroom and story). Lately the kids have been resisting bath time. And because we bathe the kids separately now, it’s twice the convincing and twice the work. 
 
Well this past Sunday, the kids were outside playing much later than normal. They were getting tired and so their routine was somewhat out of whack. Tired kids don’t want to do anything, especially take a bath and get ready for bed even though that’s what they need the most. They resisted, delayed and kept putting me off. After 5 minutes of this, I just had enough. Like why is it such a damn process for them to get cleaned up and ready for bed and so I snapped. I was not patient whatsoever. I let them know that they needed to take a bath and it needed to be done right now so let’s go!
 
There was zero messing around this point.
 
I got them both bathed. Natatlie didn’t want to brush her teeth so I let her have her way and put her to bed without brushing (which I almost never do!). Nyla was brushing her teeth and identified that I wasn’t happy. So she said, “why are you so angry?” or something to that effect. To which I replied “I’m tired of having to be a jerk mom and yell so that things get done around here!”
 
I think I caught her off guard because she said “mommy you’re not a jerk!” with a voice ready to cry. And in that moment I realized that I had pretty much flipped my lid. I got her in bed and jumped in the shower for myself where I was able to calm down from what felt like complete chaos to me.
 
When I am thrown out of routine, I’m triggered by this. And I want you to know that if your kids behavior makes you feel irritated, upset or annoyed then there is something triggering you. Perhaps it’s something from your childhood or unconsciously it reminds of you something you didn’t like during some time of your life. 
 
It’s important that we identify these triggers so that we know how to handle them moving forward. For me, I need routine. I feel out of control without it. I don’t like to feel out of control and so when the kids are not listening or following my routine I have for them, I’m triggered into an emotional state that I need to get a better handle on.
 
Recognizing all this while I am showering, I decide I need to apologize to Nyla. Natalie really isn’t old enough to comprehend the apology so after my shower, I went into Nyla’s room. 
 
This is what I explained to her. I said I’m sorry that I was angry and came across mad. I have strong emotions just like you do. I’m not perfect. Nobody is. And I want you to know that I’m sorry and you are not the reason for my anger and frustration. 
 
Her response was “mommy I accept your apology! And so if I’m not the reason you were mad then it is Natatlie?”
 
Kids are so observant and smart. I wanted her to know that she is not responsible for making me feel a certain way. Even though the situation involved her, it wasn’t HER that made me unravel. It was the fact that an out of whack routine make me feel like I’ve lost control and losing control in my world is not good.
 
Like I said in the beginning of this episode, I am not an expert at parenting. Lord knows I am always learning and exploring new ways to do things. But I wanted to share this episode because I think it’s important that as a parent we own our faults. We say sorry when it’s warranted and let them know they are loved.
 
I always tell Nyla that we are a team. If we are not working together to make sure we are both happy then one of us is not holding up our end of the bargain. Sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s her. This way she knows I need to work on things just like she does. 
 
Having open communication with our kids is super important. Them knowing they are safe with their emotions, also super important. Next time you feel like a jerk of a parent, for whatever reason, tell your kid you messed up. Let them know you’re sorry and are working on being better. When we own our issues, we allow them to prosper and grow without worrying that they are responsible for our emotions. They are not. And it also helps them to own their stuff too.

 

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