Path to Becoming a Mom

MY PATH TO BECOMING A MOMMY

I never realized how common it was until I stepped out of the darkness and into the light.

Today I want to share something I hold very close to my heart. And it’s something I don’t keep in the vault of secrets because I realized that it’s more common than it’s not. If I never spoke of it, I would have never realized that I wasn’t alone in all the heartache I was going through.

In light of Mother’s Day this month, I want to share my path to becoming a mom. It was difficult. It was loaded with mixed feelings of excitement, worry and sadness.

This episode can be triggering to some. If you have struggled with getting pregnant, carry a healthy baby full term, miscarriage then this episode may trigger you.

At one time, I wasn’t sure that I would ever be comfortable sharing this piece of me. For a very long time I wanted to bury and forget the pain, the frustration and sorrow. It’s natural to never want others to know the struggle we go through but when we release it it becomes the most uplifting, pressure relieving feeling in the world. So here is my story…

One very early morning in July 2012, I quietly awakened John to whisper we were pregnant! I was so excited to tell him before I headed out the door to work because I just couldn’t bear going through the whole day keeping such a secret. I can remember his face to this day – shocked, excited, and confused (as if he didn’t hear me correctly) all within a matter of seconds. It was a surprise to say the least. 

Days would pass and we would look at one another and keep saying, “holy crap – we are going to be parents!” Each day that went by the excitement grew as we planned our future as parents. How easy it was to dream up what life would be like.

But in the meantime, we were already set to move to another apartment. Thankfully it was bigger than the one bedroom we were living in. We packed all of our things and headed into the next chapter of our life that was going to be filled with so much joy, baby giggles, tiny clothes and so much love… or so we thought.

Only days after being settled in our new place, I started spotting. Talk about instant panic. I hopped online only to read the worst of what this meant - but also see that it can be very common. I tried to keep a positive outlook but immediately called my doctor’s office. 

An ultrasound was ordered. I arrived with a full bladder which was an experience in itself. We were brought to an ultrasound room where the tech squeezed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to move it around.

John and I anxiously anticipated the tech turning the screen so that we could see our baby was ok. But she didn’t. In fact, she kept looking and didn’t speak a word. What was probably a couple minutes felt like an eternity. Not one word was spoken. In fact, the silence felt unbearable. I had to ask.

What do you see? I interjected.

She said, I’m sorry but I’m not allowed to discuss as I’m not the doctor. And soon after she explained we could have a seat in the waiting room where a physician would be in touch to discuss the results.

I knew it wasn’t good. John, being the wonderful guy he is, tried to encourage me that everything could be alright. I just had a feeling and I couldn’t shake it. I knew in my heart that this pregnancy was not going to go the way we expected.

Moments later sitting in the waiting room I was called up to the reception desk to speak with the physician on call. It was the dreadful news that I was hoping not to hear… “your pregnancy is ectopic. The pregnancy has formed in your fallopian tubes putting you at a high risk. We will need to terminate this pregnancy before it progresses any further.” 

My heart sank as everything I had been so excited to share was now gone, in a matter of seconds. We returned to our new apartment and began to plan the termination of our pregnancy rather than the arrival of a child.

I had to report to the hospital the next day to the OB floor where I would wait for two oncology nurses to come give me two shots of methotrexate in my butt. This is a drug that is known for treating cancer patients. 

With these two shots, it would terminate the ectopic pregnancy and save me and my fallopian tube. I wasn’t sure whether to be sad for my loss, our loss or to be thankful that it was detected early and I could possibly carry a healthy pregnancy in the future.

Each week I would have to report for bloodwork. It was to measure my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) to make sure my levels were dropping which was the indicator that the pregnancy was dissolving.

The process was uncomfortable and I hated needles. I think having to go each week built up my strength to endure pretty much whatever was coming my way. However, I never was ready for the emotional toll it would take.

The recovery from this pregnancy was more emotional than I could have ever imagined. One moment we were excited to be parents and the next moment it was so suddenly taken from us. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. It wouldn’t be for almost another year later that we, or I felt prepared to be pregnant again.

Just as life does, it moves on. 

We carried on with our day to day stuff. Our relationship grew stronger. If you know John and me, we move a lot. We both have moved more times than we’d like to admit. 

In November 2013, John was notified that he would be relocated for work and fortunately back to our home town area. Our excitement levels rose once again to learn we could live back at home closer to family and with our new baby… I was pregnant again! 

Just as we did last time around, we packed our things and headed into our next chapter with lots of love and hope.

Moving day had arrived and low and behold I woke up to spotting. It was the one thing I would obsess over every time I went to the bathroom. Check for blood. No blood, good. 

This is the part where I tell you that after experiencing loss, pregnancy is never the same. As much excitement as you feel, you also feel the same amount of worry.

And so when I saw the spotting again, it made my heart so heavy to tell John.

I never wanted to disappoint him… not that I had any control over the situation but if you love someone I’m sure you can understand what I mean. I knew it would take him back to the last experience - just as it did me. I prayed that it was not ectopic. I feared the process I would have to go through again. The toll it would take on my body. I quietly let John know what was going on and in the meantime kept all of this a secret from the rest of the world.

This is when the tailspin of “what’s wrong with me” began. 

Why me?

What is wrong with me?

Why is my body failing us?

Will we ever be parents like we had already dreamed up?

First an ectopic and now a miscarriage. And because this topic is so much avoided and very sensitive many people do not understand the commonality of miscarriages. And so I sat in the darkness with all my sadness wondering why everyone else was getting pregnant and I couldn’t. 

I wanted to feel happiness for those people yet I felt more sadness for myself and John. I knew this was no way to live and so I decided to change my mindset into believing that now was not our time. Having a child was not meant to be during this time in our lives. I had to find something to hold onto - as difficult as it was. And I don’t recommend this approach when giving someone support during a miscarriage. It’s really the last thing that people want to hear.

But for me, I desperately wanted to believe that the universe would work its magic and when the time was right, it would happen. So I picked myself up, created a healthy mindset and decided to stay positive with the process of having a child.

If you’ve never “tried” to have a child because you got pregnant right away, count yourself fortunate. The process of “trying” is like a full time job. It takes all the fun out of your intimate relationship. It becomes you working against the clock. 

I had no idea the short window of time you have to conceive. I created a morning ritual of taking my temperature and peeing on fertility strips to monitor my cycles. I tried everything possible like holding my pelvic in the air for 2 mins. I was willing to try ANYTHING at this point. 

Each time my period came, it brought that “ugh feeling” that all our work was work with no reward! 

It wouldn’t be until November 2014 that I discovered I was pregnant for the third time! It was in an unusual manner as I took a pregnancy test, the results read negative even though I was late for my period. Four more days later, I couldn’t stand the suspense so I took another test and it was positive. This was going to be it. Third times a charm, right?

Sadly, at this point John and I had a hard time with feeling excited and wanting to hold out just to be sure. Of course, we were ecstatic to know we conceived but we didn’t want to feel that hurt as we did in the last two pregnancies. When you experience this kind of loss - you want to protect your heart. As I already said, you get stripped from that excitement that you have before you ever experience loss and with each loss, that feeling diminishes. 

And just as I had suspected with my worry, spotting started. I went to the doctor, pregnancy test at the office showed negative, ultrasound did not show any sign of pregnancy and we were left with another miscarriage. 

One ectopic, two miscarriages! 

I’m not going to lie and tell you that it doesn’t mess with your mind. I couldn’t help but think, what is wrong with me even more so now? We are obviously able to conceive but why can’t my body hold onto the pregnancy? There is very little information about miscarriages and so it leaves you living in the grey area of why or what ifs.

I was advised by the doctor to hold off for a couple months to let my cycle regulate and we would be in the clear to move forward again. To say I felt defeated would be an understatement. Thankfully I had John by my side for love, support, encouragement and to always keep the positive on the forefront. But again, I felt alone. And not because I didn’t have John’s support. I did. It’s just that when you have to put on a face like nothings wrong while the rest of the world seems to not understand WHY you’re not having kids yet - life feels hard.

Age was working against me and we were living in a time where asking someone “when you guys gonna have kids?” was not out of the ordinary. If this topic was spoken of, people would think twice about asking such a question. Because truth is - people may be trying and you just don’t know.

Your friend who is saying she doesn’t want kids, may be her way of protecting herself through loss and hoping you stop asking. So I encourage you to be cognisant of those types of questions. They can feel hurtful even though that is not your intent.

Early January 2015 I was late for my period again which I thought could have been related to the miscarriage. So I waited and waited and nothing. Because I was already in the habit of taking my temperature I had noticed that it never dropped from an elevated temp which it’s supposed to do when your period is coming. 

So for the heck of it I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! We couldn’t believe it and were in complete shock! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I needed to let my body recover from the last miscarriage. 

And just as life would have it, I let doubt creep in. Every time I went to the bathroom I would look for spotting. It was an obsession that was very difficult to break. We had no idea how far along we were since I never had a period in between this pregnancy and the prior misscarige, to use as the marker. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to make sure everything was in the correct place and healthy.

At our appointment we discovered we were 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat and a baby just where he or she belongs. Such a relief to know 1) the pregnancy was not ectopic and 2) the baby had a heartbeat. 

We could breathe a sigh of relief but knew we were not out of the woods. As the pregnancy progressed, I was still obsessively checking for spotting at every bathroom break and the further along I got the more I felt in my heart that this one was here to stay. 

I began to share what I had gone through leading up to this point in my pregnancy. And the more I shared, the more common I realized miscarriages were. In fact, people would tell me they weren’t starting to try yet and when I would speak of our difficulty, it was that moment I gave them permission to be honest and they would share they were trying but having trouble.

I felt so compelled to create a space where women would NEVER feel alone in what they were going through. I name the group the Three Five Project. Three because the word NOT has 3 letters and Five because the work ALONE has 5 letters. The Three Five Project was an encrypted group name so that people would not feel scared to join.

I turned this into my mission while I was pregnant. I started seeking people out on Pinterest and would ask them if they wanted to be part of my private community. I wanted it to be a place where a woman trying could feel understood. And that is exactly what I created. But it was so much more. It became a resource for one another. Share your story and find out how others handled a similar situation. So not only was it a place of comfort it also became a place of hope.

Welcome Nyla to our family - born in September 2015.

She was my rainbow that I held onto tight. She was the glimpse of hope that I needed when I felt like I would never get the chance to be called Mom. She taught me more in her first months of life than I was taught in my 35 years of living. Breastfeeding is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and maybe I’ll record a future podcast on it.

Now that I was mom, my determination soon would shift from wanting to BECOME a mom to now wanting to GIVE my child a sibling. The thought of having to go through the whole “getting pregnant” process again was not exciting whatsoever but I was willing to put myself out there in the hopes of giving my child a sibling.

Once my period returned - John and I played the “if it happens, it happens” game vs doing all the tracking I did before getting pregnant for Nyla. Hell, I got pregnant for her without having a period in between miscarrying. In November 2015, Nyla just over 1, we found ourselves pregnant again.

This was SOOO exciting because now I had the hope of a healthy pregnancy but still it was weighed down with some worry from losses before. And just as I had suspected the pattern would play itself out and things would not go as we hoped for.

What I thought would have been almost an 11 week pregnancy turned into no heartbeat and the baby only measured 7 weeks 5 days. This means for quite a bit of time, the pregnancy was not viable but still not naturally miscarrying.

I was scheduled for my first D&C but on Dec 30, 2017 my body would naturally miscarry before the appointment.

THIS took the wind right out of our sails. It wasn’t a new feeling but it was the moment I realized that giving Nyla a sibling was going to hand us some more heartache. But we kept trying anyway.

Four months later, on 4/2/2017 we were pregnant again. With this pregnancy I experienced something different. Out of nowhere I was bleeding red blood in large amounts. There was no spotting in between and I thought for sure, this was the end of another pregnancy. 

We got an appointment with my doctor and I requested an ultrasound because there was still a heartbeat but I wanted to know for sure what I was in for. At 14 weeks pregnant we learned that the baby was in place, heartbeat strong but with a subchorionic hemorrhage. This is a fancy term to describe pooling of blood in between the uterine lining and the uterus area. We were told this is something to watch as the pregnancy progresses as it can either go away on its own or could terminate the pregnancy. Talk about another level of stress.

We held onto hope and being a geriatric pregnancy (I was 36 yrs old) I had extra testing and at each step, things were ok. But in the back of my mind, I felt scared. I knew that at any time a pregnancy could go wrong.

December 2017 - welcome Natalie to the family. She gave me a run for my money. She was born with a true knot in her umbilical cord. She had the cord wrapped around her body and yet she was a healthy, vibrant baby.

The nurse told me that if her umbilical cord was not healthy and plumpy she would have never survived. When she was born it was the sigh of relief that my mission was accomplished. Two healthy girls and my body was no longer needed to grow and deliver another baby.

I have chosen to share about my story for a couple of reasons - 

1. For the girl out there struggling. Don’t give up hope even in your darkest times. There is support out there for you and I welcome you into the Three Five Project. I am a mama bear when it comes to who I let in there. I make sure it’s someone who qualifies to be there. You can find the link in the show notes to join.
2. For the person who doesn’t quite understand how hard it can be to have a child. The path doesn’t always come easy. Be kind and be slow to ask “when are you having kids?” because truth is - that person could be going through the process I just described.

Being a mother is one of the most amazing adventures. It’s hard yet rewarding. And those of us that having living kids are fortunate. Don’t take this job lightly.

For those of you that have a baby in heaven - you still get to be a mom. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Hold that baby close and if you’re trying for another, don’t give up hope. I see you. I stand with you.

Happy Mother’s Day!