Finding Self Worth
Mar 10, 2020
I WANT YOU TO REALIZE THAT YOU CAN MAKE A DECISION THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I ALSO WANT YOU TO SEE THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. AND WHEN YOU FOCUS ON YOURSELF, ALL THAT YOU EVER WANTED FALLS INTO PLACE.
I FOUND MYSELF FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE. IT WAS THE PIVOTAL MOMENT WHERE I DECIDED TO TAKE A STAND FOR MYSELF …. AND THAT IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED.
MUCH OF MY LIFE, I HAVE ATTRACTED ALL THE WRONG GUYS THAT SEEM TO HAVE TAUGHT ME ALL THE RIGHT LESSONS.
MY FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND WAS THE CHEATER.
MY SECOND REAL BOYFRIEND WAS THE HEROIN ADDICT.
MY THIRD REAL BOYFRIEND WAS THE MUCH OLDER, LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE GUY.
MY FOURTH REAL BOYFRIEND WAS THE ABUSER.
SO JUST ABOUT A HANDFUL OF MEN THAT HAVE HELPED ME LEARN MORE ABOUT MYSELF. BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE LESSONS AMONGST THOSE BOYFRIENDS WERE MIXED WITH DOUBT, CONFUSION AND LOTS OF SADNESS.
WHILE I COULD TAKE YOU THROUGH EACH BOYFRIEND AND THE LESSONS THAT I LEARNED, I WANT TO FOCUS ON THE LAST ONE BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONE THAT I LEARNED THE MOST FROM.
BUT BEFORE I GET INTO IT, I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT DURING THESE YEARS OF FINDING MY SELF WORTH - I HAD A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. FAMILY WHO WAS ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR ME. FRIENDS THAT QUITE LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE.
SO DURING THESE BOYFRIENDS, I WAS NEVER ALONE, SO TO SPEAK.
LET’S GO BACK TO THE YEAR OF 2008.
I WAS 28 YEARS OLD. I WAS MONTHS OUT FROM THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MUCH OLDER BOYFRIEND AND I WAS FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. I HAD STARTED EXERCISING AND HAD LOST QUITE A BIT OF WEIGHT AND MY CONFIDENCE WAS PROBABLY HIGHER THAN YEARS BEFORE.
LET’S JUST SAY, I WAS IN A GOOD PLACE IN MY LIFE.
IT WAS AROUND CHRISTMAS TIME WHEN I MET UP WITH MY FRIENDS AT THE LOCAL BAR. WE WERE ALL DRINKING AND HAVING A GREAT TIME. I WAS CATCHING UP WITH PEOPLE I HADN’T SEEN IN SO LONG.
ONE GUY, I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH WHO WAS A SENIOR WHEN I WAS A FRESHMAN, WAS THERE AS HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS WITH MY COUSIN. HE WAS POPULAR WITH THE LADIES AND NEVER REALLY PAID MUCH ATTENTION TO ME … UNTIL THIS NIGHT.
WE FLIRTED. WE TALKED. AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.
AND THEN HE MESSAGED ME ON FACEBOOK TO SAY HE HAD A GREAT NIGHT AND OUR CONVERSATIONS BECAME A DAILY THING FROM THERE.
NEW YEARS EVE ROLLED AROUND AND HE MET US ALL IN BOSTON TO RING IN A NEW YEAR. THIS IS WHEN CONVERSATIONS BECAME MORE SERIOUS. AND WITH THAT, I HAD MY OLDER BROTHER AND COUSIN (YA KNOW, THE ONE THAT WAS FRIENDS WITH HIM) TELL ME TO STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY.
I AM A LOVER AT HEART. LIKE I TRULY LOVE PEOPLE. IT TAKES A LOT FOR ME TO NOT LIKE SOMEONE. I SEE GREATNESS IN EVERYONE - WHETHER THAT BE GOOD OR BAD. AND I EASILY FORGIVE PEOPLE.
SO WHAT I SAW IN THIS GUY WAS NOT WHAT MY FAMILY SAW. AND FOR ME I DIDN’T WANT SOMETHING THAT FELT SO GOOD TO BE TAKEN FROM ME BECAUSE OF OTHERS OPINIONS. I WANTED TO EXPLORE THIS MYSELF AND NEVER LIVE A LIFE OF “WHAT IF I GAVE IT A CHANCE.”
THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I TELL YOU - I SHOULD’VE LISTENED BUT I’M THANKFUL THAT I’M ALIVE TO HAVE LEARNED MY MOST VALUABLE OF LESSONS.
THERE IS SO MUCH THAT I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT THE ABUSE I ENDURED DURING THE ALMOST TWO YEAR RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN WITH THIS GUY. THE STORIES SEEM ENDLESS WHEN I SIT AND THINK ABOUT IT BUT I WANT TO JUST GIVE YOU A GLIMPSE INTO WHAT THIS RELATIONSHIP DID TO MY SOUL.
I LOVED THIS GUY WITH EVERY PART OF MY BEING YET SOMEHOW HE COULDN’T SEE THAT. HE QUESTIONED MY EVERY MOVE. SO MUCH SO THAT I TOLD HIM ONE TIME TO HIRE THE PAPARAZZI TO FOLLOW ME TO PROVE I WAS DOING WHAT I SAID I WAS DOING.
I FELT LIKE I WAS IN CONSTANT DEFENSE MODE. I WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO PROVE THE PERSON I WAS. I WANTED HIM TO KNOW I LOVED HIM AND WAS NOT GOING TO ABANDON HIM LIFE OTHER PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE DID.
I NEED TO ALWAYS INTERJECT HERE THAT THERE WERE REALLY GOOD TIMES IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. THESE WERE THE TIMES I CLUNG TO WHEN THINGS WENT SOUTH AND HE WOULD APOLOGIZE FOR ALL HIS WRONG DOINGS.
BUT THE CYCLE CONTINUED.
HE WOULD THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF. HE WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO ME BUT NOT IN A WAY THAT PEOPLE WOULD’VE BEEN ABLE TO SEE. NO BRUISES OR BLACK EYES.
HE WAS ADDICTED TO OVER THE COUNTER SUDAFED AND WOULD DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF IT IN A DAY. AND THEN LIE ABOUT WHAT HE DID ALL DAY.
HE DIDN’T WORK SO I WAS THE ONE FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING THE BOTH OF US.
HE WAS VERBALLY ASSAULTIVE AND EMOTIONALLY DEMEANING ON MORE OCCASIONS THAT I CAN REMEMBER. AND TRIED TO KILL MY MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION - MY CAT.
THERE WERE MANY DAYS I WOULD TELL MY BEST FRIEND THAT IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER TO DIE THAN TO LIVE THE LIFE I WAS LIVING. I WASN’T SUICIDAL AND I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT TAKING MY LIFE. I JUST FELT LIKE I WAS EXHAUSTED AND TRAPPED.
YOU ARE PROBABLY LISTENING TO THIS AND THINKING WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT?
I GET IT. THAT IS WHAT IS SO MESSED UP ABOUT ABUSE. I USED TO THINK THE SAME SHIT - LIKE JUST LEAVE! - BUT IT IS SO MUCH DEEPER THAN THAT. AND BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH IT, NOW I GET IT.
JUST BEFORE MY 30TH BIRTHDAY, THE YEAR 2010 - I FOUGHT FOR MY LIFE. I DECIDED THAT I WOULD NO LONGER BE TREATED THIS WAY AND IT WAS THE MOMENT I TOOK A STAND.
I DIDN’T NECESSARILY WANT TO GET INTO THE DETAILS BUT I THINK THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THEM TO UNDERSTAND THE MAGNITUDE OF IT ALL.
I WAS LAYING IN BED ON MY LAPTOP AFTER AN ARGUMENT. IT WAS MY WAY OF WALKING AWAY FROM IT ALL. AND TO BE QUITE FRANK, I DID THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THING TO “GET HIM” AND POSTED ON FACEBOOK THE SAYING - THE SHOW MUST GO ON! AND WITH THAT I HID MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS.
I SHOULD’VE KNOWN BETTER BUT AT THIS POINT, I DIDN’T REALLY CARE. I WAS PISSED AND SICK OF DEALING WITH HIS SHIT.
JUST AS I HAD IMAGINED, I KNEW IT WOULD PISS HIM OFF. HE CAME MARCHING UP THE STAIRS TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT IT. AND I WAS DONE. I DIDN’T WANT TO EVEN ENGAGE AT THIS POINT, SO HE DUMPED AN ENTIRE BEER OVER MY HEAD, SLAMMED MY LAPTOP SHUT AND STARTED PUNCHING IT REPETITIVELY - AND THEN I CAN’T TELL YOU THE SERIES OF EVENTS FROM THIS POINT ON.
IT WAS A LEVEL OF ANGER THAT I DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED IN ME. IT BROUGHT ME TO A PLACE OF ALMOST BEING BLACKED OUT ANGRY. I REMEMBER MOST OF WHAT HAPPENED, LIKE BREAKING MY HAND BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU THE CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER OF HOW THINGS WENT DOWN.
I JUST KNEW FROM THIS POINT THAT I WAS DONE! AND I LET HIM KNOW THAT WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO REPAIR THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO HE TOOK OFF, WITH THE BATTERIES OF OUR HOUSE PHONE AND MY CELL PHONE - LEAVING ME WITH NO WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD AS HE SMASHED MY LAPTOP. EXCEPT I STILL HAD A DESKTOP SO I WENT TO IT AND MESSAGED MY BEST FRIEND ON FB AS FAST AS I COULD BEFORE HE GOT INTO MY PHONE AND CHANGED PASSWORDS.
SHE CAME OVER AS SOON AS SHE COULD AND SO WHEN I SAID AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS PODCAST THAT I HAD FRIENDS THAT LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE … SHE WAS THAT FRIEND. I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT SHE DID FOR ME THAT DAY.
AND BECAUSE OF HER I WAS ABLE TO REACH OUT TO MY FAMILY WHO WAS 3 HOURS AWAY FROM ME.
THIS MOMENT - WAS THE MOMENT THAT MY LIFE CHANGED IN WAYS I NEVER EXPECTED.
I MOVED IN WITH MY OLDER BROTHER WHO GRACIOUSLY TOOK ON ME AND MY CAT. I WAS JUST ABOUT 30 AND HAD TO SERIOUSLY SWALLOW MY PRIDE.
I WAS NOWHERE WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE AT THIS AGE.
LET ALONE MOVING IN WITH MY BROTHER.
I WAS IN MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF DEBT.
AND JUST HAD LEFT A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY THAT EVERYONE WARNED ME ABOUT.
AND IT ALL WEIGHED HEAVILY ON ME.
NOVEMBER 2010 IS THE YEAR I TOOK BACK MY LIFE.
I WAS TIRED OF ATTRACTING ALL THE STUFF THAT LEFT ME WONDERING WHY.
WHY ME?
WHY CAN’T I FIND THE RIGHT GUY?
WHY CAN’T I FIND THE LOVE THAT I’M LOOKING FOR?
WHY CAN’T I BE THINNER AND HAPPIER?
THIS WAS MY TURNING POINT.
I DECIDED THAT I NEEDED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF. AND FIGURE THINGS OUT. AND TO BE COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT - WHEN I DECLARED THAT TO MYSELF, I HAD NO CLUE WHAT THAT EVEN MET. OR HOW TO EVEN DO IT. SO I STARTED SIMPLE.
I STARTED FOCUSING ON THE THINGS THAT I COULD CHANGE.
I STARTED HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS MORE.
I WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT SO I JOINED WW AND WENT TO MEETINGS.
I STARTED EXERCISING AGAIN.
I LEARNED WHAT I WANT FROM LIFE.
I LEARNED WHAT KIND OF PARTNER I WANTED.
I LEARNED WHAT I DIDN’T WANT IN A PARTNER.
I LEARNED THAT I WAS DESERVING OF SO MUCH MORE.
I LEARNED WHAT I WOULD NO LONGER TOLERATE IN MY LIFE.
I LEARNED THAT I WASN’T GOING TO SETTLE.
I THINK IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT FOR ME TO BE OPEN ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WASN’T ANGRY WITH THIS GUY. AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY FORGAVE HIM. BUT MOVING ON WAS NOT EASY FOR ME. AT ALL.
FORGIVING HIM WAS NOT SOMETHING I HAD TO WORK AT. AND LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW - IT FREED ME FROM ALL THE NEGATIVITY THAT SURROUNDED THOSE YEARS. BUT I DEFINITELY DIDN’T SEE IT THAT WAY WHEN I FORGAVE.
AND BECAUSE I’M BEING TOTALLY TRANSPARENT WITH YOU - I FELT SAD FOR HIM. HE DIDN’T COME FROM THE BEST OF FAMILIES OR MOST SUPPORTIVE. HE CLEARLY HAD DEEP ROOTED ISSUES THAT HE NEEDED HELP WITH BUT REFUSED IT.
ANYWAY - BACK TO THE POINT OF THE MATTER …
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE A DECISION THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE SOMETHING AS DRASTIC AS MINE. AND I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE, IT ISN’T.
YOU JUST HAVE TO DECIDE.
AND WHEN YOU MAKE THAT DECISION, YOU TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. YOU ARE NO LONGER POWERLESS OVER THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SERVING YOU.
IT REQUIRES A LEVEL OF COMMITMENT AND LOTS AND LOTS OF GRACE THROUGH THE PROCESS. YOU WILL NO DOUBT EXPERIENCE GROWING PAINS WHEN YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO CHANGE.
BUT I’M SITTING HERE TELLING YOU TODAY - THAT IT’S WORTH IT.
WHEN YOU FOCUS ON YOURSELF, AND YOU LEARN WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE, WHAT YOU WILL NO LONGER SETTLE FOR AND THE SMALL STEPS YOU NEED TO TAKE TO MOVE FORWARD … LIFE GETS BETTER.
IF YOU’VE BEEN FEELING SHITTY ABOUT SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU KNOW IT’S TIME YOU MAKE A CHANGE, HERE IS ONE THING YOU CAN DO TODAY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.
YA READY? IT’S SIMPLE. IT’S THIS … DECIDE. THAT’S IT.
RIGHT NOW … MAKE THE CHOICE TO NO LONGER TOLERATE WHATEVER IT IS IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS NO LONGER SERVING YOU.
JUST DECIDE.
IT’S TELLING YOURSELF - IN YOUR HEAD - THAT YOU ARE DRAWING A LINE IN THE SAND AND FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, YOU ARE GOING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE IT FIGURED OUT RIGHT NOW.
I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE FRIG I WAS GONNA DO WHEN I MADE THE DECISION THAT MY RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER. IT WAS SCARY BUT YA KNOW WHAT, I FIGURED IT OUT. AND I KNOW THAT IF YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART - YOU WILL TOO.
THIS EPISODE WAS HEAVY. BUT I FEEL IT’S IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT WHEN LIFE FEELS LIKE IT’S FALLING APART, MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER THAT IS ABOUT TO FALL IN PLACE.
WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL AND THAT IT’S SOMETHING AS SMALL AS DECIDING, YOU CAN LIVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WISHED FOR.